At first I thought that I would just pin, pin, pin and never actually go back and look at or attempt any of the projects, outfits, or ideas that I pinned. I even remarked that Pinterest is a place to store pictures of shit you don't have time to do. I was mistaken, though, and I surprised myself by actually following through on some of the projects. I started making my own laundry detergent and fabric softener from Pinterest recipes, I've referenced my fashion board several times for outfit ideas, and I've used pins to help my daughter with school projects. Basically, Pinterest is my crack and I'm OK with that; I even managed to get Nancy hooked on it.
As much as I love Pinterest, I must admit that I have, on more than one occasion, come across something absolutely, insanely, time-consuming and ridiculous, something that even Martha Stewart wouldn't have the patience for. I'm all about saving the earth and fighting global warming, but I don't have time to collect newspapers and shred them for cat litter and packing material, for example.
Image source: http://macgyverisms.wonderhowto.com
Glue Stick Crayons
The first time I realized that Pinterest is rife with ideas that "don't nobody have time for" was when I read a pin about making your own crayons. From old glue sticks and crayons. First of all, crayons are cheap; real cheap. In July and August, you can get a box of 24 Crayola crayons at any discount store for about a quarter, no joke. I stock up on them because they're so cheap; did I mention that I'm kind of a hoarder of craft supplies? So why anyone would need to manufacture their own crayons is beyond me.
Glue sticks? I think I have the same glue stick I bought in 1998. It's never been used and is practically a fossil. Glue sticks suck and anyone who's ever done a school project involving glue knows this. Glue sticks are like ADHD glue; they're all like, "Yeah, we'll totally hold this paper onto this poster board. No worries. We;re glue. That's our job, to stick stuff to other stuff." Then two seconds later they're like "Uggggh, this is boring. We're just like, stuck here. C'mon guys, let's go see what Elmer's glue is up to," and your project falls apart like a house of cards. Anyway, my point is that nobody has multiple near-empty glue stick tubes just laying around their home, so in order to manufacture glue stick crayons, you're probably going to have to go out and buy glue sticks. If you're going out to buy glue sticks, you may as well buy crayons.
Now, on the off chance that you actually have several boxes of worn-to-nubs crayons and empty glue stick tubes, the insanity doesn't stop there. Now you have to melt down the crayons and pour them into the glue stick tubes. Anyone every had a burn from hot wax? Ever had your legs or bikini line waxed? Hot wax hurts. So I really don't want to be messing around with it if I don't have to. Second, what will you put the wax in to melt it? Because no matter what Pinterest says, the vessel you use will be ruined. Don't even tell me to put it in my Pyrex measuring cup and then when I'm done, stick it in the freezer and chip the hardened wax out. If I wanted to chisel something, I'd chisel the mystery goop off of my fridge shelves. Don't even get me started on getting the molten wax into the glue stick tubes; seriously? Are you a masochist? Why not just strip naked and pour boiling oil onto yourself? You'll end up with the same results; burns over 99% of your body. Homemade glue stick crayons: ain't nobody got time for that.
Image source: http://www.craftster.org
Little Red Riding Hat
(I didn't name this hat myself.)
Next up, this pimp hat. It's actually been titled "Little Red Riding Hat" but I calls 'em like I sees 'em. It's a pimp hat. Made from "upcycled" (upcycled; {vernacular definition: hoarded}) cereal boxes. The creator of this hat makes it look and seem remarkably easy to create this little number, but let's face it, unless there are directions for a "real, honest-to-goodness, working magic wand" prior to the hat instructions, we all know how this project will go. Glue everywhere, sticking everything but the cardboard together, tissue paper stuck to your fingers, feathers all over the damn place, you won't have enough cardboard to make a hat big enough to fit your head, the cardboard will become soggy and saturated with glue, causing it to become misshapen and wrinkled, and after all is said and done, you'll have made up 26 new combinations of swear words that will earn you a year's worth of Hail Marys and Our Fathers. Just go buy a pimp hat if you really want one. It'll be worth it, trust me.
Image source: www.pinterest.com
Homemade kitty litter.
Homemade kitty litter. It's for real, people. There's not even a link on the pin; the pinner simply wrote "Homemade cat litter. Washed shredded news paper and baking soda. Let dry and boom!!" That's the exact quote. First of all, washed newspaper? Have you ever spilled liquid on a newspaper? Newspaper pretty much disintegrates if there's liquid within a one mile radius of it. How the hell do you wash newspaper?? Do you fill up your bathtub and lay the paper in the water? If so, how do you shred wet newspaper? That implies that you must first shred, then wash the newspaper. Good luck with that. Washing shredded newspaper has got to be about as fun and productive as washing your cat. Do you put the baking soda in the wash water? Sprinkle it atop the newly-washed paper? Why does the paper even have to be washed? Is it dirty? Will your cat turn up his nose at unwashed newspaper? Your cat will likely take one step into this environmentally friendly litter, immediately recoil his paw in disgust and poop next to the litter box instead. Then he'll poop on your pillow, as if to say "Am I not deserving of real kitty litter? It's bad enough I'm forced to poop in a box, now you give me substandard litter? No, I say. No, sir."
Image source: http://iambaker.net/homemade-sprinkles/
Homemade sprinkles for decorating cakes and cookies.
Next we move into the kitchen for some homemade sprinkles. Whoever came up with this is either a complete idiot, an OCD neat-freak, has limitless free time on their hands, or all three. Sprinkles are much like glue sticks; they never seem to run out, and you can have the same bottle of them lurking in your spice cupboard for millenia. As for those brown, "chocolate" jimmies, I think I once read where a fossilized urn of them was found at a Neanderthal dig site. I'm also convinced that sprinkles and jimmies are capable of sexual reproduction.
This particular pin boasts that you only need four ingredients (powdered sugar, milk, light corn syrup, and food coloring) to create these little gems, and can miraculously be tinted to any color! Thanks for the clarification on that, if you hadn't mentioned that I could tint them, I'd have ended up with boring, white sprinkles. You can also flavor them, if you wish, with flavored extracts. Because heaven forbid these little morsels remain tasteless, that they bore your palate with the taste of nothing but a whisper of sugar, that they not add another layer of flavor and depth to your cupcakes and sugar cookies.
Once you mix up the ingredients, you put the mixture into a plastic bag with a tiny bit of the corner cut off, or a cake decorating bag (with a #3 tip), and start piping the little dots all over a piece of waxed paper. WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS?? How could you be sitting quietly at your kitchen table, piping little dots onto paper and not break down into waves of hysterical weeping at the thought of all that you could be doing?! For starters, you could be online ordering a one pound bag of rainbow sprinkles for $4.30, or better yet, a 24 pound bag of multi-colored jimmies for $45.29. People with unlimited free time often have a virtually unlimited cash flow so cost shouldn't really factor into things. If you have time to make your own sprinkles, you need to add some activities to your calendar.
Image source: www.pinterest.com
Homemade glue recipe.
For you crafters our there, here's a recipe for homemade glue, Elmer's-style. I was pleased to see that this recipe didn't call for horse hooves or boiled animal cartilage, but I just don't know that I'd trust this recipe. You're presumably making this glue for a child, and when you mix children with water and sugar you get ants and sticky floors. I guess the good thing is that it's edible, but Elmer's claims it's non-toxic as well. Plus, you can buy a whole gallon of genuine Elmer's glue for under $12.00 as my online research reveals. Any project that involves glue is potentially messy to begin with, and if you add to that the fact that you're going to play Amish for a day and make your own glue, you're just asking for trouble. We all know that flour, no matter how hard we try to contain it, inevitably gets on everything. Ditto for sugar crystals. Now, imagine for a moment, if you will, a few preschool-aged children hanging from your thighs and belt loops, all yelling "WHAT ARE YOU MAKING? IS IT ALMOST DONE? WHEN CAN WE START OUR CRAFT? CAN I TASTE THAT? I WANT TO USE IT FIRST! I WANT TO LICK THE SPOON! WHAT SMELLS FUNNY? MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?" Now imagine instead, handing each child their own mini bottle of store-bought glue while they quietly work on their popsicle stick picture frame. You might even have time to mix yourself a good, stiff, drink while the little VanGoghs craft away. Serenity now...
I love to craft and upcycle and re-purpose as much as the next guy, but there are just certain times that I must draw the line. There are times when I look at a pin and think "What Stepford Wife came up with this bullshit?" I hope I never become that person. I'll admit I've overzealously pinned a few ridiculous things, but I eventually came to my senses and deleted those pins. Pin smart, my friends. Or you may make it into my next blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment