Laugh At Me, I Need A New Car

I'm starting this blog because I need a new car.

People have been telling me for years to start a blog, write a book, etc. but the truth is I'm just too lazy and too much of a rejection-phobe. Now, however, I have incentive. When my blog becomes wicked famous, there will be sponsors coming out of the woodwork, publishers scrambling for a book deal, Michele Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah will be fighting to by my BFF. Then, when I'm rich, I can buy a car. I don't know why I didn't think of this before. It's all good, in theory and if it doesn't work out as planned, I've lost nothing, right? So tell all of your friends about this awesome blog so I can get my car. 

Also, if I become rich and famous, I'm very generous and there might be something in this for you. Yes, YOU. You, reading this right now. It might be a $5.00 Target gift card, or it might be a trip to Cancun. Seriously, if I think you're awesome and you're not an ass, I promise to remember you when I'm rich, ok? I once gave a homeless woman the last $5.00 I had in my wallet, so there's your proof. Granted, she then thought I was a bank and wouldn't leave me alone for months, but that's another story. 

I should probably tell you a little bit about myself, so...I'm 34, I'm a single mom, I'm 99% gay (not even joking about that one), I work in a library (it's not as peaceful, quiet and serene as you might think), I'm tremendously antisocial (I have no life and I like it that way), I hang out with my ex-mother-in-law, Nancy, (who's my BFF and is a tremendous help in my quest for funny stories. I know it's weird but whatever.), I have anxiety over the big and little things in life (I've turned my car around to go home and make sure I turned the coffee pot off, like, a million times), I'm a total people-pleaser (but that's all going to change...someday...if it's OK with everyone else), I'm kind of cynical (OK, a LOT cynical), I couldn't keep my house free of clutter if you offered me a million dollars, I'm WAY into crafts (Pinterest is my crack cocaine), and I like long walks on the beach. 

Actually, that last one was a lie. I don't like long walks ANYWHERE. I'm lazy like that; I don't even like to bend over if I don't have to and I can pick up almost anything with my toes. It's a skill I've been honing for years, and I'm awesome at it. Have I almost suffered major injuries while trying to pick up my underwear with my toes? Yes. Did I have to bend over? No. Totally worth it. 

So let's get this party started and help Momma get a new car, ok? Follow me for hilarious, self-deprecating, shameless, humor. Laugh with me, hell, laugh AT me. I do...and so does pretty much everyone else. Get on the bandwagon, I promise you won't regret it!