Sometimes for fun, I scan the Craig's List personal ads. Mostly I check the "men seeking women" because they provide the most fodder for laughs. I'm seriously amazed at what some men post. And women, you're not off the hook either. I've seen some doozies in the "women seeking men" and definitely in the "women seeking women" categories. There's so much information to cover, however, that this post will be focusing on the "men seeking women" category. Ladies, you're not off the hook. I'll get to you in another post.
Listen, folks; when you post a personal ad, you need to cull all of your marketing skills and do it right because you are, in fact, MARKETING YOURSELF. You're selling YOU to another person. You're asking some stranger to set aside all of their fears and doubts about internet dating, to disregard every blind date horror story they've ever heard, to throw all caution to the wind, and to go out in public, on a date, with you. You need to be putting your best foot forward; and for God's sake, your best PHOTO forward.
Truthfully, some of the profile pictures and photos I've seen are so bad that I (almost) weep for the author. I say things like "You poor, poor bastard. A picture of you gutting a deer? Really? Why not just tattoo a swastika on your forehead?"
Here are some tips about profile pics:
Put a kitten in the picture. Seriously. Most women can't resist kittens, or puppies, or human babies, or any babies for that matter. They see a man with a baby ANYTHING, and all kinds of internal alarms go off. Alarms that say things like "MAKE BABIES WITH THIS NURTURING MAN---THIS MAN IS KIND BECAUSE HE CARES FOR BABIES---THIS MAN CARES FOR BABIES AND THEREFORE WILL CARE FOR ME."
Next, pay attention to what's IN the picture besides YOU. Women don't want to see wood paneling (ever), a messy garage, crappy, broken mini-blinds, your bathroom, your pecs, your biceps, a tapped keg (or an untapped one, for that matter), or that bitchin' Lynyrd Skynyrd flag that you call "art." Clean up your beer cans, too. We'll find out you're an alcoholic sooner or later anyway, you can only hide it for so long.
If your photo looks like a mug shot, a passport photo, or a young Charles Manson, it's not a winner. If you're holding a beer, a firearm, a dead animal, or a hostage, skip it. If the photo was taken more than a month ago, as in a Polaroid of you at a kegger in '92 before you dropped out of college, you know what to do, boys.
Now, let's talk about user names. How you choose to label yourself on dating sites says a lot about what kind of person you are. Your user name should not contain ANY of the following words: man or dude (as in BeerMan69 or XBox360dude), stalker, hunter, hot (as in Hot4U), woody, bear, lover, Mario (even if your name really does happen to be Mario), gamer, Italian, or long. Do I really need to elaborate on this? I didn't think so.
You'll presumably want to add a brief bio to your personal ad. I stress the word 'brief.' We don't need a novel, and after the first few sentences, most women have already cast judgement and are at least 90% sure of whether or not you're potential man-candy. You like sex? Super. We already knew that. You don't need to tell us. You should be telling women what makes you DIFFERENT from other men, and for God's sake have a sense of humor. Chicks dig a sense of humor and if you don't believe me ask an ugly comedian. If he's getting laid, it's because he's funny.
I've saved the best for last. Spelling. Men, learn how to spell and at least TRY to use proper grammar. Nobody's perfect, but all computers have a magic tool called 'spell check.' Start using it. There is no such word as 'lingurie.'(Yes, I once saw it in a bio on a dating site) That sounds like stinky cheese; the correct spelling is 'lingerie.' If I had a nickel for every time I saw a man use the word "women" in place of "woman" I'd have a bank full of nickels. "Women" means more than one woman and you're presumably looking for only one woman. Unless you're a Mormon and actually ARE looking for women. Lastly, please, please, please don't use 'text speak.' I'm sure you really are 'lookn 4 a gr8 lady' and are 'up 4 hangn w ppl' but you'll be getting invited for sleepovers and lazy Sundays in bed with pancakes if you use proper spelling and grammar.
Remember, a personal ad is like a resume and the job you're applying for is Awesome Boyfriend. Sell yourself! Better yet, pay a woman to write your personal ad and let HER sell you.
You'll presumably want to add a brief bio to your personal ad. I stress the word 'brief.' We don't need a novel, and after the first few sentences, most women have already cast judgement and are at least 90% sure of whether or not you're potential man-candy. You like sex? Super. We already knew that. You don't need to tell us. You should be telling women what makes you DIFFERENT from other men, and for God's sake have a sense of humor. Chicks dig a sense of humor and if you don't believe me ask an ugly comedian. If he's getting laid, it's because he's funny.
I've saved the best for last. Spelling. Men, learn how to spell and at least TRY to use proper grammar. Nobody's perfect, but all computers have a magic tool called 'spell check.' Start using it. There is no such word as 'lingurie.'(Yes, I once saw it in a bio on a dating site) That sounds like stinky cheese; the correct spelling is 'lingerie.' If I had a nickel for every time I saw a man use the word "women" in place of "woman" I'd have a bank full of nickels. "Women" means more than one woman and you're presumably looking for only one woman. Unless you're a Mormon and actually ARE looking for women. Lastly, please, please, please don't use 'text speak.' I'm sure you really are 'lookn 4 a gr8 lady' and are 'up 4 hangn w ppl' but you'll be getting invited for sleepovers and lazy Sundays in bed with pancakes if you use proper spelling and grammar.
Remember, a personal ad is like a resume and the job you're applying for is Awesome Boyfriend. Sell yourself! Better yet, pay a woman to write your personal ad and let HER sell you.
Ummm...woody??? Sounds familiar!
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