I think I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I am extremely lazy when it comes to certain things. For example, just six months ago, at age 34, I realized that if I don't put something away, it's not going to magically put itself away. I'm not even joking about this. I had been cleaning up the house and I spotted something that had been sitting out for weeks and suddenly I had this revelation like, "Hey...this thing isn't going anywhere unless I do something with it." It sounds absolutely ridiculous but it's true nonetheless.
I realized recently, however, that my laziness has reached an all-time low (or high, whatever.) A few weeks back, I was in the shower when I felt something painful under my foot. I looked down to see a piece of un-popped popcorn laying in the bathtub. Remember, I have a child, so I wasn't even going to try to figure out how it got there. I was going to push the piece of corn down the drain, but all I could imagine was my drain somehow clogging and then having to call my dad to come and fix it. I could almost hear his words; "What the HELL?? What is...there's a goddamn stalk of sweet corn growing in here! What the...you been putting food scraps down here?? This ain't a garbage disposal, you know! Gimmee that plunger and hold this torch..." so I picked up the piece of corn and set it on a shelf in the shower.
The corn is still there. Weeks later. How am I justifying leaving the corn there? After all, it's just a piece of corn. I could flush it down the toilet or I could throw it away, all from inside the shower. It's not like I say "Oh, there's that corn...I'll take care of it after I finish showering." My honest-to-God justification is that perhaps the corn will germinate and I can show my daughter the miracle of plant life. Every day when I shower, I look at that piece of corn for any signs of germinating, sprouting, moving, growing legs and walking to the trash itself, etc.
I recently posted about this on Facebook, and my friend Katie commented that if I could only patent shower corn, I'd be rich. Suddenly I pictured Billy Mays plugging my corn; "Unleash the power of your shower! Perfect for city-dwellers with no room for a garden!" Of course there would have to be a disclaimer that my company could not be held responsible for clogged drains or rodent infestations.
Katie then commented that since Billy Mays is no longer on this earth, maybe I could consider the "Slap Chop" guy, if he wasn't in jail (for allegedly beating up a prostitute.) I mentioned Ron Popeil, and Katie suggested Wilford Brimley. I imagined Wilford's plug; "Hi. I'm Wilford Brimley and I'm here to tell you about Sweet Shower Corn. Sweet corn that doesn't contribute to diabetes. We'll ship your seedlings right to your door, along with your insulin and lancets." I could partner with Liberty Medical Supplies.
Why am I in denial?? Why can't I just throw the kernel away? I think I've become attached to it, somehow. I'm rooting for it, cheering it on. I turn on the shower and step in, and there it is, sitting there. It's always a little bit of a surprise, like "Oh, hello! How are you? Still here, I see. Any sprouts today? No, not today. I believe in you little buddy, it's OK. I know you can do it. I know that deep inside of you, there's a big stalk of sweet corn ready to burst out at any moment. Here, let me move you over a bit so you're sitting in this little pool of water. Maybe that's all you need, more water." I even think it's cute. All little and yellow, just hanging out in my shower. Then I feel like maybe I'm being too hard on it, like now it's disappointed that it can't be all I want it to be and that's stunting it or something.
IT'S A DAMN PIECE OF POPCORN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I have made excuses for my laziness by personifying a freaking piece of corn, and that is what you call mental illness, pure and simple. Or is it? Maybe I'm just really smart, imaginative, and creative. I'm going with that one.
Annnnnd, now that I've told you all about it, I feel that I can't get rid of it because now others are cheering for it as well. Like if I throw it away, people will be mad at me and they'll gather in a mob outside my house with signs that say "SAVE THE CORN," and "MURDERER." Maybe the rules should change to "let's see how long the corn can stay in the shower without disintegrating and/or molding over."
I don't even know how to end this; that's how pathetic I am right now. If you didn't already think I was a little bit "off" you sure do now. But that's OK, because whatever happens, I still have my little kernel of hope who greets me every morning.
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