After doing a little research, I found that the inventor of the bra was a socialite named Mary Phelps Jacob, which surprised me because I thought that surely I'd find out that The Prince of Darkness (aka Satan, The Morning Star, Lucifer, The Devil) was responsible. It seems that Mary bought an evening gown but her corset showed through the gown and was visible because of the gown's plunging neckline. Mary was a pretty smart cookie, so she fashioned the very first bra from two silk handkerchiefs and some ribbon. Let me say that again; SHE MADE A BRA OUT OF TWO SILK HANDKERCHIEFS AND SOME RIBBON. She did not use lace, wires, metal, hooks, push-up pads, fiberglass insulation or nylon thread. Mary then patented her invention and thus the first bra was born. I should mention here that Mary was the one to name the bra; prior to her invention there were other prototypes for bras, but Mary was the one to give her invention a name
So what went wrong? How did we get from two feather-light silk hankies to the Iron Maidenform? I'll tell you how; Mary soon tired of being a business woman, so she sold her patent. To men. Her patent was purchased by the Warner Brothers Corset Company (no relation to the Warner Brothers of the movies), and from that moment on, all hell broke loose with the bra.
I'd like to imagine what that first meeting at the Warner Brothers Corset Company must have been like. Now, this meeting would have taken place sometime in the late teens, early '20's so there probably weren't any women present. But for the sake of humor, let's pretend that there were a few women in the room, OK?
Woman: Support is probably the main thing. A bra should be supportive, that's the purpose of it.
Man: Yeah! Support! We could use wood! Or bone!
Woman: Well, bone's been done in corsets. We're kind of trying to get away from that. And wood...well, wood's kind of like bone, very stiff and uncomfortable.
Man: LET'S USE METAL! WIRES MADE OF METAL!
All Men: HURRAH!
Woman: What about material? Silk is nice, very soft and comfortable.
Man: Silk is OK, but what about lace? Lace is HOT.
Woman: Lace is scratchy, I don't know if that's a good choice.
Man: Again, lace is HOT. I vote for lace. Who's in favor?
All Men: AYE! HURRAH!
Woman: OK, now for the closures. Silk ribbon is nice, but I think there's a danger of it coming untied.
Man: Who cares if it comes untied? I say all the better!
Woman: Yes, but we're marketing this to WOMEN. They need to feel that their bust is secure and not going to tumble out at some inopportune moment. Ribbon is no good.
Man: Fish hooks? You know, that would dig into the skin to keep the bra secure.
Woman: Fish hooks? No.
Man: Wait a minute, I think he's on to something with the hooks. Maybe a hook and eye closure. HOOKS MADE OF METAL!
All Men: HURRAH!
Woman: Alright gentlemen, I've gone along with everything so far, but let's see you come up with a solution to this one. I've been hearing from some of my more well-endowed friends that coverage is a problem. I think the solution here is just to use more fabric in order to assure complete coverage.
Man: Have you lost your mind, woman?? MORE coverage? I vote we push those babies UP, so that they're almost falling OUT. Press them together for that butt-crack look, I like that. It's like a butt on the chest; what could be better? Of course, I'm looking at this from the perspective of a butt man. Maybe the leg men and boob men have a different opinion on this?
All Men: MORE BUTT! HURRAH!
Woman: For heaven's sake! This is ridiculous! Metal and lace and hooks. I'd like to see one of you wear this proposed bra for even an HOUR. In fact, the more I think about it, you men have far more reason to "herd up your junk" than women do. All that business down there getting in the way of walking, sitting, leg-crossing. I propose we start talks about a crotch-bra for men immediately!
Man: Good grief, McCaughey just fainted! Someone get him a whiskey, quickly!
All Men: BURN THE WITCH!
And there you have it, folks. The conception of women's misery, and men's wildest dreams come true. In defense of men everywhere, I did find a lot of information about women who designed and modified bras, morphing them into what they are today. I have come to the conclusion that those women were witches, or at the very least masochists, or perhaps even sadists.
So when you find that perfect bra, you can thank Mary Phelps Jacob. And the next time you come home and rip your bra from your body, cursing and spitting all the while, you can blame the Warner Brothers.
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If I had to choose, I'd take the bra over the corset. I'd be in such trouble if the corset had made it this far.
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