License To Drive

I was driving to work the other day and at a stop sign noticed the shiny silver nameplate on the back of the vehicle in front of me.  It was a Chevy Trail Blazer, brand new, and it got me thinking about car names.  I figured that the car in front of me cost somewhere in the range of $25,000 TO $35,000 and I thought to myself “At that price, I doubt if the owner is doing any actual “trail blazing” in his new SUV.  More likely he’s doing a lot of “driving to work” and “picking up groceries” and “shuttling kids around.”  So why do car companies give their cars such exquisite, flashy names?  Think about it;  that’s someone’s job.  To name cars.  What a job to have!  And whoever has this job is doing a remarkable job at marketing their company’s cars.  The Impala.  OOOOH!  Fast and sure-footed.  The Monte Carlo.  Rich and carefree.  The Mustang.  Muscular, graceful and fast as hell.  But how about some cars named for the reality of life, meaning, cars for the world we really live in.  And how about keeping women in mind when naming cars.  After all, women drivers make up at least 50% of those on the roads today, and it seems that they take a back seat when it comes to car-naming, no pun intended.  So here are some car names that I came up with that truly show what kinds of people are on our roads these days. The Saturn Menstruator:   A sporty little two seater that comes in just one color; Red Anger.  It’s a two-seater because face it ladies, at this time of the month it’s dangerous to be around others.  No car seats in this car!  The great folks at Saturn realize how important it is to not let road rage get the best of you at this time of the month so the Menstruator is pre-programmed to never go over 65 mph. A handsome burlwood tissue dispenser adorns the dash for when you uncontrollably burst into tears after seeing a dead chipmunk alongside the road.  Priced nicely at $20,000 it will have great re-sale value since you’ll only be driving it one week out of every month for the rest of your damn life. The Mercury Menopause:  For the “mature” lady driver, this car comes in both the “BRT” class and the “BTH” class, “BRT” of course standing for “Breezin‘ Right Through” and “BTH” for “Beat to Hell,” depending on how menopause is treating you.  The inside temperature of the Menopause never reaches any higher than 60 degrees Fahrenheit so say goodbye to those pesky hot flashes!  And forget about dreary weather messing up your heavily sprayed, overly teased hair because Mercury will throw in a lifetime supply of disposable plastic rain bonnets to keep you looking good for as long as you own the car! So all of the men out there don’t feel left out, let’s take a look at the Ford Castrator. A built in GPS system means you’ll never spend another moment arguing over whether or not to stop and ask for directions.  And boys, don’t even think about stopping at the bar on the way home from work;  the GPS system also acts like a tracking device-- by simply logging onto the Castrator website, your wife will be able to pinpoint the exact location of the vehicle 24 hours a day.  Special running boards on the passenger side are a full four inches lower than industry standard, meaning your wife or girlfriend will have no problem hopping up into the cab.  Just think fellows, you‘ll never have to hear her say “I don’t know why you have to have a truck anyway…” again! We all know why car companies name their cars the way they do; it’s all about sales.  Besides, our cars allow us to choose how the world sees us, and they allow us to show another side of ourselves.  A farmer can drive an Cadillac, a ballerina can drive a pick-up, and a construction worker can drive a BMW.  I guess it just saddens me that I’ll never be the proud owner of a Toyota Octopus or a Honda Chimpanzee, but a girl can still dream, right? Image Source http://shaniacooper.weebly.com/crazy-exotic-cars.html