Image source: www.skymall.com
Winbot robotic window cleaer
$399.99
Image source: www.skymall.com
Dermatend, the "mole, wart, skin tag remover."
$39.99-$99.95 depending on how many
moles, warts, and/or skin tags
you wish to remove.
Next we have Dermatend, a product designed to remove moles, wart, skin tags and the like. Oh my GOD, where do I even begin with this one? First of all, the ad boasts, "Over 1 million moles and skin tags removed." No. No, no, no and no. If there's a sure way to get me to barf up my tiny bag of pretzels and my Coke, it's reading about skin tags. There are certain things that you should probably see a doctor about, rather than ordering a tube of (probably) hydrochloric acid from a magazine you read on an airplane. I notice the ad doesn't say anything about the reconstructive surgery you'll likely need after slathering this stuff on your face and neck. And let's not even go to a place where we talk about certain warts that may erupt on your nether-regions because of too many keggers in college. I will, however,concede to giving Dermatend a score of 10 out of 10 on my grossness scale.
Image source: www.skymall.com
Visor with hair,
$19.99 for the plain visor,
$24.99 for the collegiate or professional
team version.
If you're not satisfied with your hair, or lack of it, no worries. SkyMall offers this "visor with hair" to solve all of your problems. This product makes it easy to look like a middle-aged man in the crux of a midlife crisis. Ladies, don't worry, it's not just for men! Have you always wanted to look like a lesbian golf pro, but were too afraid to cut your long hair? Here's your answer. It should be noted that men can also achieve the lesbian golf pro look but you'll have to shave your beard and wear cargo shorts if you want to pull the look off.
Image source: www.skymall.com
Irrigation Caddy, the "smart" lawn watering system.
It can be loaded onto your iPad, smartphone or tablet
AND works with your existing lawn irrigation system.
$179.99
I think this one takes the cake for "shit I will NEVER need, EVER." It even has the Winbot beat, in my opinion. Notice all of the bells, whistles, icons, etc. on the screen of the tablet. If you ask me there only needs to be two buttons; "ON" and "OFF." You either want to water your lawn or you don't. It doesn't rain in one part of your yard and not in another, so there should be no need for dividing your irrigation system into zones. If your yard is so big that it does rain in one spot and not the other, then I hate you and you don't deserve this amazing tablet app. Get outside you rich, lazy, bastard. When you need an app to water your lawn on the go, you've lost touch with reality and a little fresh air will clear your head, or at least put you at risk for a bee sting to remind you that you're not invincible just because you have money to blow on ridiculous stuff. I especially like that this comes with a security code option. Stop. Now. If your biggest problem in life is that your arch-nemesis will hack into your irrigation system and foul up your grass and miscellaneous lawn flora, you need a major reality check. Go work for the Peace Corps in Africa for a year. Then you can bitch about your grass dying.
Image source: www.skymall.com
Disinfection Scanner
$59.99 for the small scanner,
$159.00 for the pictured wand scanner.
I have to admit, this thing is pretty cool. It's basically a wand that emits nano-ultraviolet light, hence killing germs on basically anything. If you're a germophobe, I imagine using this, for you, could be likened, for the rest of us, to shooting morphine directly into the heart. A rush of euphoria like no other, warmth spreading through your body, feeling lighter than air and giving the world the finger because "Screw you, world. I feel gooooooooood and ain't nothing gonna bring me down!" If you're a female or gay male germophobe and you've been blessed with a boyfriend, husband or son who is not so concerned with e. coli and such things, just spring for the larger model, tell the man in your life that it's a light saber and turn him loose. You will have the most sanitary...everything...in the neighborhood.
"Honey, I swear I saw a spider on the kitchen counter. Here, take this light saber and go look for it."
"Come here, son. Let's play a cool game I read about on Pinterest. You take this light saber, and I'll lock you in the bathroom. I need you to saber the hell out of everything in order to earn your passage out. You have four days. I believe in you, son. May The Force be with you."
Brilliant. Absolutely, germ-shatteringly brilliant.
Image source: www.skymall.com
The Litter Kwitter, a toilet training system for cats.
$49.99
First of all, look at the cat in the ad. He's looking at you like he's about to swat at you with his left paw. He's also doing the ghetto neck-roll, like "Bitch, please. I'll shit anywhere I want to. There's nothing you can do about it, and you know there's nothing you can do about it. Now get this shit out my face before I pistol-whip you."
If you have EVER owned a cat, and you purchase this product and then complain that after coaxing your precious Mittens to at least try the Litter Kwitter, your bathroom looked like an overturned port-a-potty after a three day frat party featuring free beer and weed, YOU DESERVE IT.
If you are a new cat owner, allow me to tell you what will likely happen. Your cat will stand and watch you intently as you mimic what he is supposed to do. He will watch you squat over the toilet while you say things like, "Poopy goes here, Mittens," and "Who's my smart little kitty who's going to go poo-poo and pee-pee in the toilet like a big kitty?" He will pretend to be interested in the various-sized toilet seat modifiers shown in the photo, perhaps even rubbing against them and playfully batting at them. He will sit on the toilet when you place him gently upon it, still looking at you with large, inquisitive eyes that almost say, "Like this? Is this how I do it? Am I a good kitty?" DO NOT BE FOOLED. The second you turn your back he will morph into feral cat mode and you will soon realize that the product should have been named "The Litter 'n Shitter EVERYWHERE."
He will poop in your sink. He will poop in your tub. He will pee in the floral arrangement on your vanity. He will rip up all of your toilet paper and then pee on that. He will rub his little poopy kitty butt on your white bead-board wainscoting and write his name in pee on your microfiber shower mat. He will do everything but use the toilet to eliminate waste from his body. And, if you happen to catch him in the act, he'll look at you like, "Oh, NO! I did it wrong, didn't I? I'm a bad, bad kitty. I'm sorry, I really am. Lock me in the basement, I deserve it." To which you'll foolishly respond, "It's OK, precious Mittens. Maybe a can of tuna will help. You're not a bad kitty, you just take longer to learn than other kitties. There, there, don't be sad. You'll get the hang of it soon." Consider this your warning. Don't get sucked in. Because I guarantee you he'll be talking smack about you to the other pets in the household. "Yeah, it's called the Litter Kwitter. I know, right? Stupid idiot, that's what she gets for leaving us here with a big bowl of food and water while she vacationed in Punta Cana. I pooped in her bed, too. She hasn't found it yet...be listening for the scream."
Image source: www.skymall.com
SomaWave Helmet head massager,
$79.95
File this one under "things that will cement the already-assumed notion that I'm crazy." The only way you could ever get away with wearing this is in PRIVATE, with not another soul around. It looks like something straight out of Star Trek, and while it may be the most wonderful thing on the planet, the fact that it looks like something that is not of this planet makes it a gamble. If you live alone, go for it. But could you honestly sit at home alone, wearing this on your head, without asking yourself "What has my life come to?" I think not.
There's also a disclaimer that is printed with the ad that says "Do not wear while operating heavy machinery. The SomaWave Helmet's euphoria-inducing waves may produce trance-like states of consciousness." I can't believe anyone would even consider wearing this while operating even light machinery, much less a car, plane, helicopter, bulldozer or mo-ped. I also can't believe that, unless it also surrounds you in a cloud of LSD, that it really produces "trance-like states of consciousness." Marketing WIN, product FAIL.
Image source: www.skymall.com
Message Beans, $12.95 each.
I've saved what I believe to be the best, for last. If you order these, they arrive as tiny seeds that will (hopefully) grow into a bean that has a message imprinted on it. I have no idea the sorcery involved in manufacturing this product, so I won't even begin to hypothesize how they get the message on the bean. Maybe there's a little troll who lives inside the seed who inscribes the message on the bean, maybe it's some mutant genetically modified bean, maybe it's truly Harry Potter-esque magic; I don't know and I don't care. We have starving kids all over the world, an AIDS epidemic, people dying of cancer left and right, and THIS is what the scientific community is working on? Beans that say shit? This product is 100% responsible for taking what shred of hope in humanity that I once had, eating it up and pooping it out.
Getting a message on a bean is an amazing, albeit idiotic feat in itself, but what's even more mind-blowing is the fact that there are multiple messages to choose from. Choices include sentiments like I love you, Peace, Happy Birthday, and my two favorites, Get Well Soon and Forgive Me. Did anyone think those two through? At all? Get well soon? How long does a bean take to grow? For God's sake the person could be dead before the bean sprouts. When you wish someone well, it needs to be immediate, not six weeks and some water and sunlight later. You don't walk into a hospital room, hand the patient and fecking seed and say "I have something to tell you, and in six weeks you'll know what it is. Bye!" As far as the Forgive Me bean...you know that somewhere out there is a business man who travels for work saying "I really think my marriage could have been saved if only that bean had grown faster." I propose a bean that says Marry Me, for commitment-phobes. You'd have weeks to change your mind, and even if the bean sprouted and your beloved was ecstatic with acceptance, you'd still have time to bail out by saying, "Shit, they shipped me the wrong bean. I'm terribly sorry for this misunderstanding, darling."
I realize the temptation that SkyMall elicits, I really do. For two brief seconds, I considered buying the SomaWave Helmet. I stopped myself when I suddenly burst into tears and wept while I lamented that I'm single and have nobody to massage my head. Then I stopped weeping when I realized, "Hey, I'm single. Which means I don't have to answer to anybody...ever. I can eat ice cream for dinner and the only dirty underwear I have to wash are my own and my child's." I had to stop myself from jumping out of my seat and shouting "FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST!" Which is why I passed on the SomaWave; I'm bonkers enough without it.
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