Yes, I went through that awkward "pegged jeans" look in the 90's which basically made my tiny ankles look even tinier while creating a linebacker look to my upper body. I also spent about six months of my life walking around sucking my stomach in so that I could wear a bodysuit, but let's not go there. I was never one to follow the crowd, so I got a lot of flak for some of my outfits and style choices, but I never really cared much. I'm reminded of a pair of shoes my aunt brought me back from Europe; she called them Romanian worker shoes. They were cordovan-colored leather and had a double row of eyelets to lace. I loved them to death and wore them almost daily during my 7th grade year. My friends called them my Ronald McDonald shoes, but they were the BOMB and I didn't care what anyone said.
I wore bow ties in what I call my "Pee Wee Herman" stage, also known as my "I might be a lesbian but I'm not sure yet" stage. I wore suspenders when suspenders weren't cool (actually, I don't know that suspenders ever were cool but I liked them and so I wore them). I distressed my jeans far before the grunge look became popular, and I wore Chuck Taylors before they were claimed by hipsters (I think that makes me a hipster hipster).
My aunt Rosanne, who was only ten years my senior and who was also a bit into the 80's punk scene, was my style inspiration. I idolized her and I wanted to wear what she wore. I inherited her clothes and I remember in particular a pair of Asics wrestling shoes that I cherished and wore until they were falling apart. Later my aunt told me that the only reason she bought them was because there was a member of a band she liked who once said he only wore Asics wrestling shoes.
As much as women's fashion changes, there's so much that also stays the same. There's always the odd designer who really pushes the envelope and creates some madness that while artistic is not practical, and there are a handful who manage to be extravagantly artistic while still managing to create wearable clothes, but for the most part fashion for women is pretty simple. Blouses, pants, skirts, shoes and bags remain structurally similar within groups and that's that.
Maybe I stand alone on this, but there are some things that I'd really like to see be all the rage in fashionable circles. Saggy boobs, for example. Most of us have them, save for the teenagers and childless among us. I left out men for a reason; I've seen some pretty saggy man-boobs in my day. Even women with small boobs will eventually find their girls heading south at some point. Add to that that I absolutely detest bras and you see why I'd like to see saggy boobs become all the rage. How great would it be to be able to roll out of bed, throw on a blouse and head to work knowing that instead of people thinking you're unaware of the fact that you could potentially tuck your boobs into your waistband, they'd think to themselves "She is really stylish and sharp. How does she do it?"
Fanny packs. Hear me out on this one, OK? Yes, they're dorky. Yes, they're a permanent fashion DON'T. But they're also intensely practical; hands-free, which comes in handy most all of the time. They do a wonderful job of hiding that stomach "pooch" that many women are plagued with, unlike a purse they don't cause back or shoulder strain, and because they're small women would be forced to carry only the bare essentials instead of the usual 50 pounds of useless crap we have in our purses at any given time. Just last week I found a sports bra in my purse, my own thankfully. I still have no idea how it got there, or how long it had been there. Anyway, I'm convinced that if Kate Moss was photographed wearing a fanny pack, suddenly women everywhere would want one. Kate, if you're reading this, help me out here.
Fat upper arms, or at least blouses that disguise that flabby shit. Maybe it's just because I'm built like a linebacker, but my arms never fit into ANYTHING. If I buy a suit, I have to buy it at least a size larger than what I need in my waist in order to get the arms to fit properly. Put me in a fitted top and I look like I've sprouted sausages from my shoulders. Tank tops are pretty much out of the question (at least in public), and I'd kill for a bathing suit that was designed with long sleeves. I want to see a magazine article that expounds on the beauty of arm flab dangling and fluttering in the breeze. I want to hear that Brad Pitt is only with Angelina in the hopes that she'll develop chicken flab on her upper arms.
Pajamas. We all love them, and don't lie and say you haven't secretly wished that you could just roll out of bed and head out the door for that early morning flight. Or that there hasn't been a day when you wished you could run to Wal-Mart in your fuzzy, elastic waist jammie pants. While retaining your dignity. Yes, I've been to Wal-Mart and yes, I know there are people who think it is socially acceptable to wear jammies while grocery shopping. I want to see that delusion become a reality.
This is a good place to segue into caftans, togas, tunics, and muumuu's. All of that loose fabric shrouding rolls, hips, cellulite, bony knees, and the like. Doesn't matter if you're thick or thin, life in a muumuu would be fantastic. Imagine going to your closet every morning and just grabbing a muumuu, tossing it on, stepping into a pair of ballet flats and walking out the door. Bliss.
Through the years I've found that it doesn't really matter what size you are, we all have complaints about clothing. We've all asked, "Who the hell are they making this stuff for, anyway?" At a size 14 I have complaints, at a size 18 I had complaints, at a size 9 (way back before dinosaurs became extinct) I had complaints. My size 0 friends have issues with fashion and so do my size 20 friends. The key is to find a brand that works for you, find the cuts that work for you, and if all else fails, throw on a muumuu. Maybe you'll start a trend.
A fantastic book by two Brits
who are practical, smart, and hilarious.
I highly recommend reading.
Image source: betterworldbooks.co.uk
This is also an excellent book
and gives awesome camouflage techniques.
Very funny and worth reading.
Image source: goodreads.com
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