Parenting Advice From A Novice

When I was expecting my daughter, I read every book about parenting I could get my hands on.  I had dreams of the kind of mother I'd be, the things my child and I would do together, the things I would teach her, the way I would discipline her and so on.  I prepared myself as much as I could, even imagining what the pain of labor would be like and hypothesizing how I would deal with it.  I felt that I had prepared myself FAR more than most parents do, and I was not naive to the fact that there would be things I hadn't expected.  I was READY.

I was NOT ready.  I'm STILL not ready.  Parenthood is HARD!  

My daughter had colic.  BAD colic.  I drove around at 3am, day after day, just to calm her.  I used to drive past dark houses and think "Those people are sleeping.  I wish I was sleeping..."  When I would put her down for a nap, she wasn't satisfied just being gently patted on the back.  I had to practically BEAT her on the back.  If she was in her swing, she wasn't satisfied just swinging, I had to sit behind the swing and give it a hard "WHACK" every time it swung backwards.  My right bicep could have entered a strong man competition.  

When my daughter was four months old, I ended up in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung and a stroke.  Talk about unprepared!  I was in a wheelchair for the better part of a year and if it hadn't been for my now ex-mother-in-law taking care of both of us, we never would have made it.  I was completely helpless for months to the point that I couldn't even hold her safely by myself due to seizures.  I used to think about things like not being able to run through a field and fly a kite with her, or not being able to coach her baseball team.  I had no idea if I would ever be able to walk normally again, but I was determined to hang in there and make the best of things no matter what.

Now that my daughter is ten, I'm happy to say I'm wheelchair-free and I can do all the things I'd dreamed about doing with her.  Easy-peasy, right?  Hell no.  Parenting is STILL hard.  There are days when I think I can feel gray hairs sprouting.  Nobody tells you this.  Mothers who are afraid of sounding cruel will make up phrases like "Children are a gift and a blessing," and "I just loved being pregnant," and "Someday you'll wish you still had those dirty little hands to wash."  Children are definitely blessings, but they're also little hellions sometimes.  Loved being pregnant?  Which part?  The nine months of vomiting, or the part where you swell up like a balloon and can hardly fit into a public restroom stall?  You'll stop worrying about dirty little hands and you'll say things like "Germs are good for us; they strengthen our immune systems. Right?"  

My point here is that there's no rule book for parenting, as all parents know.  Sure, there are parenting books, all good in theory.  It's when you step into reality and try to put those theories into practice that all hell breaks loose.

The other day my daughter and her best friend were wrestling on my bed.  I waited about ten minutes before I said anything.  

What I said:  Hey!  That's enough wrestling, guys.

What they heard:  Hey!  Wrestling is awesome and fun!  There's no better place to wrestle than in a parent's bedroom.  Don't worry about breaking stuff, guys.  It's all good!

I honestly think I told them five times to settle down.

What finally worked:  Are you guys lesbians or what??

No parenting book will tell you to play the gay card.  Ten years later and I'm still learning.  It's a process.

Once, when my daughter had a friend spend the night, they wanted to take a shower.  I was hesitant to let them shower together, but I figured "They're girls.  What's the worst that could happen?"  Three minutes into the shower, I heard a loud "THUD."  Someone had fallen down.  I rushed to the bathroom, shouting "What happened?! Are you guys OK??"  Giggling erupted.  "We're fine!"  Five minutes later, another loud "THUD."  This time I yelled "HEY!  Settle down!  Someone's going to get hurt!"  Less than two minutes later, another loud "THUD."  "I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL SHIP YOU BOTH TO AN ORPHANAGE IN THE UKRAINE IF YOU DON'T SETTLE DOWN!"  No parenting book will even mention the orphanage card.  I also know for a fact that I'm not the only parent who has ever played the orphanage card, either.  After the shower was over, I went into the bathroom to clean up.  I didn't know where to start; there was water on the walls, wet towels everywhere, a washcloth stopping up the drain in the tub, a rubber duck on the toilet, and I think I saw a dust bunny in a rowboat paddling out the door. 

I don't know how people with more than one child do it.  Two kids, maybe I could handle. Three or more?  I'd rather gnaw myself out of a bear trap.  I honestly don't know how they do it.  More power to them, I say.  I just personally can't even begin to imagine the fatigue, the homework, the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning up.  I'm practically breaking out in hives just thinking  about it.  

My daughter really is a gem; she has great manners, she makes excellent grades in school, she has a wide circle of friends, takes care of her belongings, has an awesome sense of humor, and is generally pleasant.  But parenting her is STILL hard.  I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm raising her right, if I'm teaching her in a way that will grow her into a responsible and productive member of society.  I've seen great parents turn out awful adults and I've seen amazing adults come from crappy parents.  I've come to the conclusion that you do the best that you can and when they turn 18, you turn them loose and hold your breath.  

Don't believe everything you read in those parenting books; in fact, don't even read those parenting books.  Talk to other parents first, talk to your parents (unless they're crappy parents, then talk to your grandparents and ask them what the hell they did wrong, then DON'T do those things.)  Teach your kids the golden rule, to treat others how they'd like to be treated.  Remember that kids are just that; kids.  They're learning just like we are and they have bad days too, so cut them a break once in awhile.  There doesn't need to be a lesson in everything.  Let them get away with being mouthy once in awhile; it'll teach them how to stand up for themselves.  Let them make mistakes, but don't always be ready with an "I told you so."  Tell them that you love them as much as you can, no matter how old they are.  Teach them to be a team player within your family but don't be a crappy coach.  You are the biggest influence on your kids, and trust me you don't want them playing the Vidal Sassoon card; because if they don't look good, you don't look good!